I don’t even care today… it’s been SO hard.  Last night I had restless leg syndrome, and woke up this morning feeling like I had the flu… I don’t have the flu.. it’s my body getting rid of the toxins and my brain craving the nicotine.

I knew going into this that there were two major things I was going to try to avoid as much as possible at least for the first three days: talking on the phone and being in the car… both are huge problems… they make me want to smoke constantly and make the withdrawals unbearable…. I have got to figure out how to stay out of the car..  I took the kids to school this morning, and came home in a horrible state of mind… I had to talk my hubby into going with me to pick up the kids because I knew I would break down and buy a pack of cigarettes if I went alone…. no cigarettes were bought, but I did bum one, and I did smoke… I have got … GOT … to stay away from the car..

I’m still doing good though.. two cigarettes in a 42 hour period… not bad.. by this point I would have already smoked 30-40.  But, I know that I”m just dragging out the withdrawal process…

Like I said… I have got to figure out how to stay away from the car… seriously.

This morning actually started out ok..  for the first 30 minutes..  then my daughter had a metldown (I have no idea why) which caused a fight, and her crying all the way to school… She’s a sensitive little thing, and I did a lot of yelling, and lost my cool… I woke up on the brink of losing my cool anyway… It made me feel terrible though.  I know she’s ok.  I had warned my kids all week.. prepped them… told them I wouldnt’ be myself.. I’d get angry easily.. say things I don’t mean….. I hate that its like that.. I wish I could be one of the people who can still control their emotions when they are kicking the habit… I mean, dont’ get me wrong… I can control them to some extent, but by no means am I a master of them when I”m in this shape.  Although, I am suprisingly more calm than I thought I would be.

After dropping the kids off at school, Andy and I had to get groceries.. ugh.  It took us an hour… and during that time, I was kind of trapped in the bread section by three young people who had obviously just smoked and I thought I was going to lose it… I almost pushed them out of the way as I was making a break for it.. I’m sure they thought I was terrible, but I HAD to get away from that smell…  It made me dizzy and nauseous… it was horrible..  I am not in the habit of being rude to people.. but, really, they shouldn’t have trapped me in the first place…

The ride back home was GRUELING.  It is in the car when I want a cigarette the most.. it felt like it took hours to get home when the drive is only 20 minutes.. but, that was a very long 20 minutes… by the time we got home I was freaking out…. last night I hid three cigarettes…. I thought it would help me to quit to know that they were in the house so that I wouldn’t feel like I was controlled… so that I could be the one in the control and CHOOSE not to smoke.. it backfired… Andy smoked one, I smoked one, and then we shared the last one… at least there aren’t anymore in the house… It’s funny, though, because even though we did smoke, I still feel like I haven’t had one today… it makes no sense to me.  Probably psychological… it doesn’t really matter…

I did get a bit of good news last night though.. my husband decided to quit too… that makes me very happy… I was hoping he would.. we did have one nasty little argument over something stupid, but we knew it was the withdrawals talking, so we let it go… I love that about him.. he’s good to let stuff go.

It’s 11 a.m.  It feels like 3 or 4.  It’s going to be a long day.. but I’m still in the fray.

Ack?  Yes… Such a lovely term for that sense of forboding that you feel coming on… I say “ack” because Monday, November 16th approaches.  What, you may ask, is so significant about November 16th?  It’s the day I’ve picked to quit smoking.  I know… you’ve heard it all before… just a few entries down, in fact, I wrote about how I intended to quit smoking… and then just quit writing… well… I kept smoking, but quit writing… I sort of reversed the order of things, didn’t I?

This time I walk into the Land of No Nicotine a bit more prepared.  I’ve amassed a great assortment of movies, games, crafts, and whatever else I can think of to keep me busy or preoccupied when the the urges are at their strongest… I’ve done this before, and I am pretty sure I remember that the urges are at their strongest around the clock the first couple of days…. I anticipate that it will be like that again Monday… so… if the lovely documentary of the forming of the United States doesn’t get my thrill on, then I’ll just switch over to the Pirates of the Caribbean… or, turn off the dvd player and lose myself in Final Fantasy… I’m pretty sure I’m going to want to hit something anyway, so why not do it in a game, right?  Then, there’s always my faithful friend, Roger Wilco from Space Quest that offers my brain a requite from the mundane.

Oh, and if anyone will be interested in any crocheted afghans, hats, scarves or anything else my crazed mind can think of, I’ll have some…. plenty even, by the end of the week.  I’ll have paintings on canvas, hand painted who knows what, and a new chess set planned out to make as well.  Put your order in now.  I can assure you it will be a one of a kind piece of artwork — made from the hands of an angry, bitter, spiteful woman in the throws of withdrawal.  Creative endeavors are always so much fun in those conditions.

You say I’m being too negative?  Ah, yes… I’ve been down this road before…. the anti-cigarette days of my past somewhere around 8 years ago sing their siren songs to me…. I remember the feelings, the exasperation… and, the absolute stupidity on my part of forgetting so soon what nicotine withdrawal is like and going back to my enemy hiding in smoky shadows.  I know what I’m up against, and the monster I am soon to face is not a delightful one.   The negative sentiment comes from experience.

Just for kicks, and I do mean kicks (it will be a nice kick in the seat of my pants for me to read this if I EVER decide to pick up another cigarette again), I am going to document my days of peril in anti-cigaretteland…  But, here’s a warning to any and all who choose to read:

Do not read posts dated Monday the 16th of November or days closely following if you

• are looking for a fight.  I assure you, I will win.  There’s a monster in my brain that’ll just love to scream at you.
• overly sensitive. I will be writing no holds barred.  I’m allowing myself the opportunity to express myself in all my glory… the poison must come out, and I have my injection needle at the ready.
• don’t like me much, but would like to… this is not the time to change your mind about me.
• easily depressed.  I’m saying goodbye to a “friend” of mine that has been with me through every aspect of my life for the past 21 years… it will be an agonizing departure, and I know that my emotions will not be happy, upbeat, puppies and ice cream, smiles and laughter feelings.

Let me also add, that until I kick this nasty thing out of my life, I will be posting on nothing else (unless I change my mind, and have the right at any given moment to do just that).  This MUST be done.  Let me also say to those of you who have never dealt with a major addiction, that I may not succeed on Monday, or Tuesday… the first week, or even the first month, and so on.  Don’t give up on me.  As long as I’m fighting, I’m winning.  I may very well, however, be smoke free Monday and all the following days.  I need your encouragement and your prayers.  This is NOT an easy thing to do.

Smoking is more than a habit, and it’s more than a physical addiction.  It is a MAJOR part of my life.  I liken it to eating.. in fact, it is easier for me to stop eating than it is to stop smoking.  I know.  I’ve done it.

That said, the day approaches.  Your comments are welcome and wanted.  I may or may not respond… It really all depends on how I’m feeling.  If I don’t’ respond, don’t take it as a personal jilt.  When my brain is working back to at least 80%, I will respond appropriately. 

Now, have at it.

The Healthiest Way to Keep from Getting a Sunburn
Everyone is looking for ways to play in the sun without getting sunburned, but is sunblock really the way?
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1898046/the_healthiest_way_to_keep_from_getting.html

How to Make a Gorgeous Piece of Unusual Wall Art for Your Basement or Anywhere
If you’re looking for something a little different to decorate your home with, take a look at this simple yet dramatic piece of art you can do yourself.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1898142/how_to_make_a_gorgeous_piece_of_unusual.html

My Experiment: Making a Living Writing for Associated Content
I’ve been reading a lot of articles about making a living writing for Associated Content. Here’s my experiment to see if it can be done.
http://www.associatedcontent.comarticle/1905506/my_experiment_making_a_living_writing.html

Last month we had a series of storms that came through that flooded out our home.  It’s not as bad as it sounds since our home is actually a basement apartment (that is more like a studio apartment than not), and the water was only an inch deep in some places, but it’s caused a series of problems for us anyway.  I like nature.  I like it a lot, but I prefer to keep nature in nature (for the most part) and not in my home.  For a week I found myself outside shoveling loads of dirt to make drainage for the run off of rain water.  We can’t have this happen again.  It was hard work, but worth it.  Since then we have had no more flooding despite another almost full month of very heavy rainfall.  That said, these past two weeks I’ve been working on cleaning… Summers in the South are hot and humid… and because of the weather and our flood we’ve found ourselves having to deal with a mold problem.  So, that’s what I’ve been cleaning.  It’s been a battle, but I am winning.  I’ve done half the house, but have a long way to go.

When we first moved here we agreed that it would be temporary.  The idea was to move here so we could save our money to buy a house.  Well, despite our best efforts, in lieu of our recent financial hit we’ve realized that we’re going to have hunker down and make this home for a little while more… making our temporary stay a little less temporary than we had planned.  I enjoy my little home.  It’s comfortable and it fits my family nicely, but we know what we want, this isn’t it, and that compels us forward.  I usually feel pretty good about everything, but I have my days when I feel caged.

When my husband and I first got married we seriously mulled over the idea of getting jobs at Yellowstone National Park for a summer and “roughing” it for a summer.  Our plans fell short when we found out that we were expecting a baby.  I’ve thought about that this week though, and the thoughts of doing something similar during the summer months has become more appealing to me.  Despite my homebody nature, I also have an adventurous side… I think the two balance each other out pretty well, and I’ve been home for a long time now caring and bringing up my precious children.  That feeling of longing to “get out” has been getting stronger lately.  I’m sure that having cabin fever from having to stay home the past week and a half from having some sort of crud.. and from reading Travels with Charley by John Steinbeck aloud to my children at night before bed has something to do with it.  No matter what it is, the calling has been strong.  We’ll be homebound this summer, but we’re talking about doing something next summer… what we’re talking about takes planning, especially with children in tow.  At the very least, my need to get away is being somewhat appeased for the moment.

To pull everything together, these past few weeks I’ve spent a lot of time in introspection.  I have never wanted the “average” life.  I’ve never been content with just settling.  I’ve never wanted what “other people have” because I’m not “other people.”  I’ve always felt this way.  I believe that everyone has a distinct path in their lives … an adventure of their own, if you will, that is expressly unique.  I want *my* adventure.  I don’t care to try to live what I think is someone else’s life simply because their life seems better than mine in some way.  I think that most people who know me can attest to that.  A rebel against conformity, a free spirit, a dreamer, a girl with cadillac dreams on a voltswagon budget — all titles given to me throughout my life.  And, I’ve worn my labels relatively proudly… still do, really.  Simply, I like who I am, I like my life and I’m proud of the accomplishments I’ve made so far.

I’ve come to realize these past two months that hardship is a way of life, but so is joy.  I don’t live in the mansion on the top of the mountain.  I don’t drive a fancy car (our a/c went out last year, in fact, and our radio just stopped working earlier this year).  I’ve found myself in a place in life that calls for me to be as creative and inventive as I can to make my life and the lives of those intertwined with mine as joyful and comfortable and peaceful as I possibly can.  God has called me to look at this situation… and that situation… and find a way to turn the junk of life into art.  It’s been a test of faith, a trial of humility, and fight of intellect. I believe that these attributes not only apply to my life, but the lives of others as well.  I truly believe, to the core of my being, that every person is a paintbrush, and every life is a canvas.  We are handed trials and hurts, joys and jubilation, and these are our paints.  I believe that every man is an artist, and what our end masterpiece looks like is not based simply on the “paints” or “situations” we are handed in life, but how we use them to paint the picture of our lives.  That, I believe, is how I, and how you, can find ourselves in the midst of the storm.

I haven’t been keeping it a secret that money has been tight these days.  I figure why try to hide it?  It’s not something we can control, and I thought that maybe somehow by sharing the things that are going on in our lives then maybe it would touch someone else’s life that was going through something similar.  I’ve had a “don’t give up” attitude lately, and I know that’s what it takes to really punch through to the other side.  Most days I try really hard to keep a positive attitude and think about the positive things in my life… but, I have my moments.

I had a moment on Monday afternoon.  I had myself a meltdown is what I had.  But, it led to something really wonderful that has really put a new fire under me.  I wanted to share it.

Monday actually started out really wonderfully.  I felt good.  Then, little by little, things kept going wrong, and my thoughts turned to things I knew we would need in the near future and we don’t have the money to meet those needs.  Before I had a chance to realize that God has met every need as we’ve had it, I had dropped into full blown despair.  I yelled at my poor husband, was a general nusiance to the whole family… and I knew I had to get away.  So, I drove down to a nearby park and found a quiet place to park the car so I could think.

There I poured my heart out to God.  “Why, God?  Why has it been so long?  Why so hard?  Why won’t you move?  Why don’t I feel You… or see You?”  As I was pouring it all out, suddenly this thought came into my head that was distinctly different than my others… It was calm… clear… solid…. “I will never leave you or forsake you.”

I sat there for a minute with tears in my eyes.  Woah.

I wish I could say that suddenly everything was ok… that I drove back home immediately with a new improved attitude and a smile on my face… but that’s not what happened.  I sat there for at least another hour reading the Bible and questioning God… I still had a chip on my shoulder.  “If you will never leave me or forsake me, then why do I feel abandoned?”  But, little by little, things began to calm.  That night I went to bed and felt good.

As I slept, however, I had one dream after another based on all my fears… It was craziness… a gorilla broke into the house… a bear was stalking my children… crazy stuff.  But, when I woke up that morning I realized  that the dreams were all based on my fears… (something outside of my control affecting my family and me in a very negative way)…

As I lay there thinking it over, another thought like the one from the previous day, “I will not leave you comfortless.”

I know… know that I know that I know that I know that God is in control and I don’t have anything to be afraid of.  I don’t care anymore what anyone else thinks.. or HOW we are going to have our needs met… God will find a way… and while He’s at it, He’ll fill our little joy cups up too.   –The wilderness isn’t so bad as long as you have a good guide.

I wanted to share this… I know that my family and I aren’t the only ones that have been facing hard times.  I am certain that there is hope.  And one key scripture sticks out in my head even as I type this:  “you do not have because you do not ask… or you ask amiss.”  It’s not about how much stuff we have… it’s about living life to its fullest capacity… living with a goal, a dream… reaching out and touching others and offering hope.  Life is good.  It really is… no matter what the circumstances appear to be.

Well, I put my first outfit up for auction on Ebay.  Click the image below to see it.  I’ve changed my mind about putting all three up at the same time… instead opting to put one up a day…

I’ve had to wait a bit longer for the website to be up… it’s still in the works, but I’ve decided to go ahead and move forward with selling.  So, Tuesday, May 12th, 3:00 central time the outfits you see below will be listed on Ebay.